I’d like to share with you some things from my latest ceremony with Diego, this past Saturday night in Miami. I have to say that a few months ago, I could not have imagined writing some of the things I am about to share. Before the ceremony, Diego warned us that the word “profound” would take on a new meaning for us. That was no exaggeration.
My message to you is that I believe we are now on the cusp of a very deep and profound awakening and healing. As a young James T. Kirk might have put it, “Buckle up.”
First, I have to say what an incredible experience it was, flying into Miami, with such a completely different vibe than DC, and be welcomed by such loving, open people. There are quiet giants there, serving a cause they know is vital for a world that needs healing. Much more needs to be said about their loving dedication to the medicine and selfless service. But that is for another entry.
With a friend of mine from the DC area, I flew into Miami Friday afternoon and checked into a hotel my friend Maile had arranged. (Maile, thank you so much, and sorry you couldn’t make the trip.) We took a dip in the pool before we were picked up at the hotel and taken to the home of Juana, who organized most everything, and who was a true force of nature. We did a sweatlodge that night, which is one of her specialties. The next day we headed to where we would be doing ceremony with don Diego, somewhat of a high rise condominium on Key Biscayne, overlooking the ocean. Our host of the condo, a wonderfully light hearted artist from Peru, had his enchanting abstract paintings on the wall. We took a short swim in the ocean and I got a little burned, then prepared for ceremony called Depspacho with James. This was a very elaborate ceremony for cleansing us and creating our intentions for ceremony with Diego. (Again, I am leaving out quite a bit.)
The ceremony with Diego began much like the first one. His instructions were simply to explore everything through the breath, and that the breath is our primary connection with spirit. The medicine tasted foul, of course, and created a tensing and slight nausea in my stomach. (I had gone on a pretty strict diet for a week, so I was hoping to avoid “purging.”) My mind grew alert for what I might see, and sometimes there would be a little hint of this image, or that, but nothing that I could be really sure wasn’t just my imagination. I went for over an hour and not much seemed to happen. I drank a second cup when the opportunity came, and I sat down thinking maybe I just wouldn’t experience the same kind of profound experience that I had before.
About this time, I began to feel a tingling in my arms and a sense of being in “lift off” phase. There was a sense of the medicine making its presence known, and saying “Hi.”
Soon afterward there were abstract patterns and intricate, colorful grids unfolding before me. I would try to remember to breathe. Diego would be chanting, playing with bells, or other instruments. Each time he played it would seem to bring me back to a new place.
All in all, I would describe that there was a sense of “tunneling” to the other side, where I felt immersed in a dark river of Being, a vast source of geometries, patterns, and possibilities. Much of the time there were only hints or shadows of shapes and symbols, all connected together, yet also flowing together with a sense of structure yet also flow. Of course, not with the clarity of an Alex Gray painting, but hints and flashes nonetheless. And as I felt my connection with all of this, I was filled with a sense of love and ecstasy with this ground source I sensed was the foundation of pure creativity and freedom.
But there was also an elusive quality to everything, never really hitting me with the full light show. There remained a kind of obscure, mysterious quality as if eluding my ability to fully conceptualize and get a handle on what this truly was.
I also became aware that as I was seeing and feeling these not quite substantial patterns and flows, I was also constructing in my own mind (even now) stories about it, inventing a role for myself (as your story teller) that was simultaneously removing me from this field of essence. That was perhaps the true struggle, staying present with the reality that was unfolding as thoughts of roles, identities, and stories constantly tried to pull me away. You’ve heard the expression of a deeper reality that is beyond the ability of language to convey. Well that’s what I experienced. I felt my very attempts to, say, put characterizations on the nature of the medicine or what I was experiencing, actually distorted the experience. Like the medicine was always eluding my attempts to define it or explain it. Ultimately, you could say that I eventually caved to the deductions of the ego, though I really felt I had more than just a glimpse of the other side.
This was the core experience for me through the night, as Diego played (amid other sounds of retching) and as time seemed to both stretch and shrink. And I had the sense that the group radiated together in ecstacy, not unlike a collection of tuning forks vibrating at a common pitch.
Like the last session I had with Diego, I thought of various people I knew, appreciating their special beauty. Recognizing the special beauty and purpose that they have (that I and often they forget). There were people who I had blamed for this or that, a view in my exalted state made no sense. Everyone I knew had amazing qualities and beauty, and it seemed strange that I just didn’t realize the obvious all the time.
For example, I usually thought of my supervisor at work as a frumpy, nagging, narrow minded woman. But when I beheld what she had to deal with, including a husband with all sorts of emotional and physical problems, and the impossible politics of where I worked, I realized that in many ways, this small, unassuming woman was nothing less than a giant.
Somehow, though I’m not sure how my thoughts took this direction, I had the sense that I had more or less broken my father’s heart in ways that I had not seen before. He had dedicated his life to our family, sacrificed much on our behalf. Yet, I turned my heart away at an early age, mainly because I had a highly sensitive and independent nature, while he was very rigid and expected me to follow the Southern Baptist way, that I felt didn’t exactly work for me. I pulled away, and in some ways we never fully reconciled, perhaps because we lived in worlds apart. But he was an amazing man who gave me so much. And for some reason, at this point, I saw what looked like a vast colorful fractal pattern of Escher-like geometries.
Another insight was that I saw that I was perhaps or probably not meant to have the “soul mate” or deep and profound love connection with one person that I had hoped for much of my life. It was sort of like I saw that my soul had made some kind of agreement not to focus on a link with an individual, with the vast reality before us. An important phrase kind of echoed in my mind at some point, “all my relations.” It was of course, what we used to enter the sweat lodge on Friday night. Somehow now, though, it took on a different kind of meaning. It was no longer a nice, altruistic phrase, it was a foundational core reality. ALL MY RELATIONS. I saw that while I had been searching for that special someone, I had forgotten that we are all connected as one family with the plants, animals, rocks, and bugs. I saw that ALL MY RELATIONS is the core truth that binds us together more profoundly than we have imagined. And it is about exploring these interconnections through play and love and tears. Creating a special relationship with someone can bring joy, especially while bringing children into the world. It can help us learn devotion and empathy for another. But the dark side is that we can get locked into a relationship pattern that might take us away (or blind to the needs of) others who are, in reality, no less connected with us. It seemed to me that (perhaps) in this time of need and vast interconnections, my soul had chosen not to link to tightly to anyone one person, so that I could be of greater service to the many and to link with others for teaching and sharing. For those of you who are single and wondering about that, I invite you to consider this possible vision of vast playful, loving interconnection.
I continued to feel this ALL MY RELATIONS as I listened to Diego’s playing, hearing the voices all around me, sensing that they were also opening to this reality in their own way.
At some point near the end (weren’t you just waiting for this?) I felt something in my stomach and perhaps a little nudge from my spirit that said, yes, George, there is something you need to let go of. I responded with “No, I don’t think so.” But then there was this, “Dude, it’s your turn.” I resisted. Maybe we’ll wait awhile, I thought. But the feeling was persistent. So I slowly looked around for the plastic purge bucket, got on all fours. My core muscles worked hard and I let it rip, and it’s wasn’t pretty. Here I was, one minute feeling like a master creator. The next moment I was on all fours, puking into a plastic bowl on the floor. So revolting. So gut wrenching real. And yet also glorious. I got that I was releasing crap that just did not jive with the higher frequencies.
At some point, Diego did close the ceremony and people slowly began to re-orient with their surroundings. And eventually, I began speaking to my neighbors. I began having a conversation with Kuki, a woman who had sat beside me during ceremony. She was radiant and had an amazing caring, playful energy. She had met Mother Theresa at a young age, and had been taught a meditation technique directly by Osho. She shared a great deal of her wisdom about things that I had recently been trying to learn more about, like principles of manifestation and tapping (EFT). She also convinced me I had to go to India, and I made an attempt to share some things with her. Somehow, my conversation with her and what she shared with me seemed as important as anything else in the ceremony.
One thing I believe I understood about Diego is that he is more transpersonal in his work. Although he has been trained by a shaman from Peru (and he has his ceremonial lodge there) unlike other curanderos, he has worked with teachers in India. Some of his icaros (chants and songs) come from a Vedic tradition. So his work embraces not just the traditions of the jungle. I think the experiences that people have reflect this.
Based on what I felt and experienced, I’d like to leave you with a final inquiry. Suppose what we have always dreamed of experiencing could be attained with a few ceremonies like this (or with other tools such as meditation retreats)? Suppose tools were now available to help us awaken into a deeper, more profound reality? And let’s suppose that we lived on a world where the dysfunctional nature of “normal” consciousness was leading our planet toward peril for the first time in it’s history. What if that was the reality that was unfolding before us now?
My answer to that inquiry is that we start to wake up now. With friends. We share tools. We share experiences. We open our hearts. And (maybe) we puke our guts out.
We do what we can to help other awake, and we ask others to help us. If enough of us heed this call, we create a critical mass that turns to the challenge that our world faces at this time.
Yes, I know, it sounds idealistic. And as I write these words, the experience is now a memory. I see people (at the airport when I first began writing this, later in my office) the way I normally did. As I write these words on Monday, my body is tired, I am falling back into my habits and I too am sitting here questioning my own words. And I realize (more than I did last time) that perhaps the greatest challenge is integrating what I’ve experienced into my more habitual life.
I cannot, however, forget what I experienced, seeming to breaking through to this source of beauty, a vision of a magical playground that is our essence, the source of freedom and creativity that we share. And yet, there is also another truth. The people who brought me this medicine, Diego and his helpers, as well as Juana the organizer and her helpers, were simple, gentle souls. Diego’s energy and power seemed directed purely in the spirit of service. His helpers reached out to me in the darkness as I stumbled, gave me water…they were devoted to what was needed. Instead of sitting searching for visions, they moved quietly and cleaned the bowls that had been used for purges. They poured a little water on my head, checked into where I was, and asked me to breathe through it. Then they would move onto others who needed help. I imagine today they are in their gardens, working with the soil and the worms, tending their flowers. Gentle hearts who feel and nourish their connections with all things.
So that’s my sharing. The bottom line is that after experiencing this, I must bear witness. During the last stages of the ceremony, I felt again what I felt during my first time with Diego: we’ve waited lifetimes for this moment, to hear the call and awaken for one another, with one another, and truly shift the game.
Yes, the moment has arrived.
ADDENDUM: Just a few additional thoughts, as the medicine recedes a little in my body and I return to this dimension. Last night, as I was tired, I felt I had left the esctacy behind, and I wondered what from this experience could I truly carry back and integrate into my life? Many of the stories and worries that habitually played through my mind returned, and I began to question all I had written above. Was it all just a wild experience, and perhaps nothing more than more stories and constructions so my ego could play them back for you?
But then I remembered something that I had forgot to mention above (actually there are probably many things I have left out). And that is that this place of power can be accessed in one's life, but that it's characteristic is inherently playful. So when the habitual stories and the shoulds and worries crowd my mind, there is less room for that sense of play, that innocent awareness of a child. So I tried slowing down my thoughts, letting more spaces come between the thoughts a little, and asking myself: "How can I make this experience more playful?" I felt more in my body, and I think I felt a little a little more of the trace of the medicine as I did that.
And the world is beautiful. It can be more playful, more gentle. And from here, the source of power flows.
Anyway, that's my two cents at the moment. :)
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Further Adventures.... in Virginia
On a Friday night in March 2009, I had ceremony in Alexandria Virginia with a curandero called Don Diego. I am not sure where to begin or how to explain the experience. But if you read no further, read this: I believe Diego has a far greater level of mastery than any other curandero I have met so far. He is a dedicated servant of Mother Ayuhuasca.
I didn’t realize this when I began this journey, but there are substantial differences between the skill levels of those who would be your guide. Very, very good, intelligent men will give you your first taste of this plant medicine, and you may well have a good experience. Freddy is a curandero I have not written about, but I had ceremony with him in the fall of 2008. He was good in many ways, but the experience was not near so profound as with Diego. Whether it was his skill or the potency of the brew, I am not sure. I think it is a combination of the two.
I spoke with a number of participants at the ceremony, and those who had been to Peru agreed on this: the experience with Diego surpasses those with the other curanderos we’ve encountered.
When we began the ceremony, Diego said that an encounter with ayuhuasca changes one forever. There is no going back. Based on what I experienced, I’m wondering whether that might be true. Still, at the moment, as I try to integrate the experience into the rest of my life, I cannot help but wonder. Time will tell what happens next.
I’ll try to give you an accounting of the evening, even some of the not so pleasant things, so you’ll have a good picture. A lot of what follows are what I believe to be epiphanies or perhaps messages from the plant's intelligence. You can dismiss these if you like, I'm not trying to convince anyone. Feel free to take them with a grain of salt.
Just one thing to get out the way quickly: pretty much everyone “purged.” Even yours truly who was on an herbal cleanse and figured there was no way I would be retching into a bucket beside me. There were two older gentlemen at the ceremony who were poking their guts out almost the whole time, God bless their souls. I overheard one of them say he would never do anything like that again. I can only hope he reconsiders, because ayuhwasca opens up some truly magical doors.
First a confession: I didn’t begin this journey for healing and personal growth. That is, I wanted those things but they were secondary. What I really wanted was to connect with a shaman so I could understand how the world is interconnected energetically. I have all kinds of cool theories and concepts about this, but I wanted to connect with a shaman to help me make sure I was on the right track. And if I got to see charkas, vortices, and webs of light, well, that would be pretty cool, too.
But the medicine has a power that takes over what you might have thought you wanted.
Well, now to get down to it. Diego began with some simple instruction about focusing on the breathing. Relax and breathe, and listen to the sounds he was creating. I don’t think I was focused much with the sounds in previous sessions, and I think this prevented me from going deeper, so this time I wanted to pay close attention.
Diego gave us all a cup of the tea, which tasted nasty (of course). Each time we took, he would say “God bless you.” Then we would sit back. Pretty soon there would be that familiar feeling of nausea, but I had been on an herbal cleansing for the past two weeks, so I thought I was pretty much not going to purge. (Yeah, right.) It didn’t take long before I felt tingling in my arms, but not so much in the way of visions yet. Then Diego began his singing.
So there we were in the darkness, with Diego using all manners of instruments to give us all kinds of sounds that vibrated through us on our journey. There was the anticipation of whether I was going to get off, and if (and when) what I’d experience. At some point I started to hearing sounds of retching into the buckets. Unfortunately, two men who were especially having a hard time with that were sitting pretty close to me. Fortunately, I had something for back support which allowed me to move away from these poor souls and closer to Diego.
And then the night sort of took over. Sense of time shifted. My thought thought process began to take on a heightened energy. Excitement and tension played through my body, but I would breathe through it, and then come back to Diego’s playing. There there would be rattles, chants, haunting icaro songs with the word ayuhuasca, some bells or chimes, guitar playing, and even songs from other traditions calling for Shanti and Shiva. There were many times when I would be on somewhere in my internal journey, but the sounds would pull me back as I felt the rhythms move through my body. My mind started to get more excited with insights and energy, but somehow Diego seemed to be calling me back with this playing.
Fairly early on, I had an epiphany that I thought was Mother Ayuhasca's core teaching, on that she kept bringing back to me over and over. And it is this: while people often come to ayuhusca in search of visions or glorious spectacles, and they often come, they can be a distraction from the true essence of the work. And what is that? The work is done feeling the sensations of the body and the breath, as a master curandero chants, sings, and plays a wide variety of sounds. Your body is feeling a rich texture of sensations, your mind is racing toward new insights, you are seeing hints of worlds that take your breath away, yet the curandero calls you back with surprising sounds that vibrate through your body. And you open to a power that takes you to amazing, surprising places. And then it hit me: everything I wanted, the answers to every question I had was to be found not by using the mind to construct concepts and worlds and theories and figure things out. The true power place, true mastery comes from following the unfathomable rhythms and sensations in the body.
Imagine a big dark snake moving beneath wet leaves in the woods. You recoil from it, yet, yet you are commanded to stay with that snake, to hold it. You discover instead that it is a huge dark root, pulsing with energy with dirt and bugs crawling all around it. You still recoil, but you stay, and you are somehow drawn into it. And then you discover that what you thought initially was a beast is a mighty root connected with an unfathomable network of roots in the forest, and through it you feel its embrace and are presented with its secrets and wonders.
It’s like the wave and particle from quantum physics. The mind breaks things up into particles. That’s necessary in many ways, but in loosing the wave, we loose the totality that we are connected to. Embracing the body’s sensations through this experience brings you into the wave, and the source of everything.
So I would be having thoughts like this and be amazed, and then I would hear Diego playing and something would call me back to feeling the sensations in my arms, my chest. At some point, my heart expanded more. (And of course more sounds of purging all around me. Some people were chanting ‘beautiful’ but Diego would ask for silence.)
I do think I am learning more about this. I think what has helped me on this journey is: 1) tools from mindfulness that allow us to embrace whatever comes into experience with compassion, 2) focusing and being attentive to the sounds produced by the master curandero, 3) at the same time, be present with the breath, and finally 4) moving and staying with all the rich textures and sensations into the body. With this we move deeper into our body and into the heart, and we feel the depth of our heart’s embrace.
And as my heart continued to expand, I began to think of different people that were important to me in my life. And I felt they were so beautiful, they had given me so many gifts, and often I had taken them for granted. I began to think of many of you and see the beauty and special gifts I had received from you. And this seemed to take on the bulk of much of my experience. I would think of a friend, feel my heart, and see the beauty of this person. And then I progressed to people I didn’t like that much, but saw that they had given me teachings and gifts also.
There was Rhonda, living in Chicago, who I had almost lost touch with, but radiating like an angel. There were many of my friends in the DC area who have so many qualities that have blessed me. There was Mike, who had practically ruined our friendship with his anger, but I saw he had been trying to teach me to have more courage. There was Sewnet, who was nearly a perfect embodiment of calm, practical good sense, and service. I even thought of my supervisor at work who I am annoyed with so much, but I see that she has struggled with so much. So many many more.
So, this seemed to be the second teaching: with a full heart, recognizing the beauty and gifts people had given to me. I saw that I could find a kernel of goodness with everyone. And my loving attention was like a sun giving warmth and nourishment to a small sapling. The goodness that was in everyone would expand and take root. Then a magical exchange happens as we exchange appreciation and allow the goodness in each other to take root.
Believe it or not, I even thought about George W. Bush, who I had vilified in my mind over the last 8 years. And yet, I somehow recalled something that I had read in the news, about how he had refused to criticize President Obama, because he simply cared more for the country than he did for politics, and he wanted Obama to succeed. Yes, he might be a politician working on his legacy, but I sensed there was true goodness and integrity, putting country ahead of personal stuff, that I had missed all these years. So yes, even Bush surprised me by teaching me something. And I feel I need to be in a place of healing by recognizing that goodness.
I saw Tara as a being from another star system (or another dimension) who had come hear to serve this planet in it’s hour of need. I also saw that she struggled in many ways to be here, but that she was committed to give what she had in service. And I felt so priveledged to serve her and knowing her, as well as Jonathon.
Most moving of all, I saw that my dear parents who have departed this world and had dedicated their whole lives to me and my brothers. They sacrificed so much out of love, more than I will know. They were simple people who grew up in the south. They did not have many of the insights and understandings or the education that I did. I’m sure there were many times I disappointed them, but they loved me. They served me and my brothers because they just didn’t know how to do anything else. That is who they were. And as their health failed them, and they were lost, I really could not help them and be with them the way a son should, mostly because I was living in a different state. But my brother Tom stepped in and acted like a giant among men and put everything he could into serving them, to giving back. He may never really appreciate the giant he has shown me that he is.
Of course, at many intervals the sounds would bring me back, and I would try to remember to stay present to the power that was flowing with me.
I did have some visions. I remember one where I saw delicate geometries of light that would fold into other worldly architectures.
And then another amazing epiphany. I thought of the science fiction novel that I had planned on writing, but had put off through lack of focus. And almost instantly it seemed that the main character (a young female empath from another world) appeared in the form of an interplanetary emissary, complaining about my lack of dedication to the joint project that we were supposed to be working on. I sensed she was from another dimension and she (or they) were sending me inspiration. (Yes, have a good laugh, George has really lost his mind.) But I was inspired to renew my commitment for this project.
Then Diego would play something else, and I would be back. I saw at one point that I was constantly getting caught up in stories and roles about my identity. These ideas about stories and identity were like countless little bubbles, like the foam of the ocean, always there to obscure the deep crystal ocean underneath. These bubbles would follow me and congeal around me, always seducing me with more stories and mental constructs. But Mother ayuhusasca would be there and ask for me to stay in the body. I would feel the edge in my body where the medicine was playing with me, flowing through me, more sensations.
At some point Diego asked for who would like a second cup. I didn't hesitate to ask for another, even though the medicine was strong with me. I think very few others asked for a second cup. As I went forward, Diego asked if I was feeling anything. I nodded my head, and he proceeded to pour me another cup.
The evening progressed, and I was filled with gratitude for these feelings of warmth. And I started to think of ways I can give back. And by this, I came to think I received a third teaching.
I sensed there was a lot going on in the world right now that we are not so much aware of. The news is focusing on the financial meltdown, the mess, the blame, the fear, and the anger. And as Starbuck would say on a broken down starship, with time running out, "There must be somewhere out of here..." But here it is: Our world is preparing for a leap in consciousness, awareness, and understanding. Somehow it is all coming together. Now, on the cusp of this spring equinox of 2009, I feel that THIS MOMENT is what we have been waiting lifetimes to experience. Things are becoming aligned for takeoff. Now is the moment we must awake to this truth and act, and be vigilant on what we can do.
I saw that none of the problems I face as an individual has any real meaning. The only thing that matters now is to awaken as much as possible to need of true service to our planet. To awaken to the suffering and need of others and heed the call to answer. That is the challenge.
And so I think this was the final teaching. Using the sensations of the body (and breath and sounds) to move into the place of power, then opening the heart to feel the goodness and appreciate others, then service.
At some point Diego closed the ceremony and asked us how we felt. I heard most everyone say they felt wonderful. (Every now and then I would still hear someone purge.) I said aloud ‘thank you Diego.’ And a chorus of thank yous followed.
Slowly everyone settled in, got up to go to a sleeping bag, but I stayed right where I was. The medicine was strong with me (I had had a second cup). Although I had peaked, I was still on the journey, and happily so. I was having more thoughts of wonder, of love, of amazement at Diego’s mastery. It was also strange to be aware of people moving around me in the darkness, while I was essentially still tripping. How do they walk around, I wondered.
And then, maybe an hour or two after the closing of the ceremony, I purged into my plastic bucket. Suddenly, I felt humbled, broken, and brought down to earth. And I felt such compassion for those poor souls who had pretty much purged all night. But soon, I felt cleansed and lightened and thankful again.
I don’t know at what time, but eventually my body said, hey, get back here and set me to lie down. I wasn’t going back to the sleeping bag I had prepared. I wasn’t going anywhere. I just lied down on the rug. I rested but didn’t sleep. I stayed awake the whole night. But it was fine. And somehow, the time moved quickly.
Also, I want to share some things that I viewed as kind of problems with the evening, just to give you the full side of things. First, Diego didn’t really have the quality helpers he needed for people who were having a rough time. I think they were OK, but for some of the people who were purging a lot, I think he needed someone to work with them, encourage them, give them a pat on the shoulder, and encourage them to stay as much as possible with the medicine. That’s the way I had seen it done in Peru. I’m sure that Diego knew this, but of course he is based in Peru and could not fly up his trained helpers.
The other thing, was there was a time when in the very early morning I needed to use the bathroom. I got up, but found the floor shift around me, as if I was on a big boat. (The medicine was still working with me.) People were sleeping (or possibly still tripping) and I tried hard to avoid walking on them or falling on them. The floor seemed to shift in the darkness as I made my way to the bathroom, but finally I reached my destination, only to find the toilet had been backed up with feces. There was no way I was going to sit on that.
Yes, dear reader, I am sorry to share that with you, but after spending so much going on about the glory, I felt compelled to give you the other side of it too. (Obviously, it’s the sort of thing that will not happen a lot, but this is an old house, so there you have it.) Slowly, I made my way to the portable bathroom outside. I peed but could not bring myself to sit down on the plastic toilet seat. Fortunately, I didn’t need to go that bad.
One last thing to bring this down to earth. Our host had a beautiful house filled with countless figurines of angels. The room we did ceremony in had a spotless white rug with white sofas. Well in the morning, there were stains everywhere where people had missed their buckets. And there was a stain on the white sofa, too. Our host, an elderly woman, was magnificent. She merely said she would call the cleaners. I hope they get it all out. That is what I truly call After the Ecstasy, the Laundry.
In the morning, I learned that pretty much everyone considered it a powerful experience. (Perhaps for some, too powerful.) And those that had been to Peru, thought that it had been a completely higher level than what they had experienced before.
And that’s pretty much it. For those who are interested, here is Diego’s website:
http://www.sachavacay.org/
Further note: Well, it's been a few days after the experience, and I'm back to my usual world, wondering how much of what I had learned and experienced will stay with me. I am trying to remember the lessons, but somehow the vibration I had experienced before has dissipated. Of course, that's not unexpected. But a few days later, in the cool March weather, I can still feel a trace of where my heart feels a little more open, and I remember the wonders of that evening. And I hope to have another encounter with Diego again.
Stay tuned.
I didn’t realize this when I began this journey, but there are substantial differences between the skill levels of those who would be your guide. Very, very good, intelligent men will give you your first taste of this plant medicine, and you may well have a good experience. Freddy is a curandero I have not written about, but I had ceremony with him in the fall of 2008. He was good in many ways, but the experience was not near so profound as with Diego. Whether it was his skill or the potency of the brew, I am not sure. I think it is a combination of the two.
I spoke with a number of participants at the ceremony, and those who had been to Peru agreed on this: the experience with Diego surpasses those with the other curanderos we’ve encountered.
When we began the ceremony, Diego said that an encounter with ayuhuasca changes one forever. There is no going back. Based on what I experienced, I’m wondering whether that might be true. Still, at the moment, as I try to integrate the experience into the rest of my life, I cannot help but wonder. Time will tell what happens next.
I’ll try to give you an accounting of the evening, even some of the not so pleasant things, so you’ll have a good picture. A lot of what follows are what I believe to be epiphanies or perhaps messages from the plant's intelligence. You can dismiss these if you like, I'm not trying to convince anyone. Feel free to take them with a grain of salt.
Just one thing to get out the way quickly: pretty much everyone “purged.” Even yours truly who was on an herbal cleanse and figured there was no way I would be retching into a bucket beside me. There were two older gentlemen at the ceremony who were poking their guts out almost the whole time, God bless their souls. I overheard one of them say he would never do anything like that again. I can only hope he reconsiders, because ayuhwasca opens up some truly magical doors.
First a confession: I didn’t begin this journey for healing and personal growth. That is, I wanted those things but they were secondary. What I really wanted was to connect with a shaman so I could understand how the world is interconnected energetically. I have all kinds of cool theories and concepts about this, but I wanted to connect with a shaman to help me make sure I was on the right track. And if I got to see charkas, vortices, and webs of light, well, that would be pretty cool, too.
But the medicine has a power that takes over what you might have thought you wanted.
Well, now to get down to it. Diego began with some simple instruction about focusing on the breathing. Relax and breathe, and listen to the sounds he was creating. I don’t think I was focused much with the sounds in previous sessions, and I think this prevented me from going deeper, so this time I wanted to pay close attention.
Diego gave us all a cup of the tea, which tasted nasty (of course). Each time we took, he would say “God bless you.” Then we would sit back. Pretty soon there would be that familiar feeling of nausea, but I had been on an herbal cleansing for the past two weeks, so I thought I was pretty much not going to purge. (Yeah, right.) It didn’t take long before I felt tingling in my arms, but not so much in the way of visions yet. Then Diego began his singing.
So there we were in the darkness, with Diego using all manners of instruments to give us all kinds of sounds that vibrated through us on our journey. There was the anticipation of whether I was going to get off, and if (and when) what I’d experience. At some point I started to hearing sounds of retching into the buckets. Unfortunately, two men who were especially having a hard time with that were sitting pretty close to me. Fortunately, I had something for back support which allowed me to move away from these poor souls and closer to Diego.
And then the night sort of took over. Sense of time shifted. My thought thought process began to take on a heightened energy. Excitement and tension played through my body, but I would breathe through it, and then come back to Diego’s playing. There there would be rattles, chants, haunting icaro songs with the word ayuhuasca, some bells or chimes, guitar playing, and even songs from other traditions calling for Shanti and Shiva. There were many times when I would be on somewhere in my internal journey, but the sounds would pull me back as I felt the rhythms move through my body. My mind started to get more excited with insights and energy, but somehow Diego seemed to be calling me back with this playing.
Fairly early on, I had an epiphany that I thought was Mother Ayuhasca's core teaching, on that she kept bringing back to me over and over. And it is this: while people often come to ayuhusca in search of visions or glorious spectacles, and they often come, they can be a distraction from the true essence of the work. And what is that? The work is done feeling the sensations of the body and the breath, as a master curandero chants, sings, and plays a wide variety of sounds. Your body is feeling a rich texture of sensations, your mind is racing toward new insights, you are seeing hints of worlds that take your breath away, yet the curandero calls you back with surprising sounds that vibrate through your body. And you open to a power that takes you to amazing, surprising places. And then it hit me: everything I wanted, the answers to every question I had was to be found not by using the mind to construct concepts and worlds and theories and figure things out. The true power place, true mastery comes from following the unfathomable rhythms and sensations in the body.
Imagine a big dark snake moving beneath wet leaves in the woods. You recoil from it, yet, yet you are commanded to stay with that snake, to hold it. You discover instead that it is a huge dark root, pulsing with energy with dirt and bugs crawling all around it. You still recoil, but you stay, and you are somehow drawn into it. And then you discover that what you thought initially was a beast is a mighty root connected with an unfathomable network of roots in the forest, and through it you feel its embrace and are presented with its secrets and wonders.
It’s like the wave and particle from quantum physics. The mind breaks things up into particles. That’s necessary in many ways, but in loosing the wave, we loose the totality that we are connected to. Embracing the body’s sensations through this experience brings you into the wave, and the source of everything.
So I would be having thoughts like this and be amazed, and then I would hear Diego playing and something would call me back to feeling the sensations in my arms, my chest. At some point, my heart expanded more. (And of course more sounds of purging all around me. Some people were chanting ‘beautiful’ but Diego would ask for silence.)
I do think I am learning more about this. I think what has helped me on this journey is: 1) tools from mindfulness that allow us to embrace whatever comes into experience with compassion, 2) focusing and being attentive to the sounds produced by the master curandero, 3) at the same time, be present with the breath, and finally 4) moving and staying with all the rich textures and sensations into the body. With this we move deeper into our body and into the heart, and we feel the depth of our heart’s embrace.
And as my heart continued to expand, I began to think of different people that were important to me in my life. And I felt they were so beautiful, they had given me so many gifts, and often I had taken them for granted. I began to think of many of you and see the beauty and special gifts I had received from you. And this seemed to take on the bulk of much of my experience. I would think of a friend, feel my heart, and see the beauty of this person. And then I progressed to people I didn’t like that much, but saw that they had given me teachings and gifts also.
There was Rhonda, living in Chicago, who I had almost lost touch with, but radiating like an angel. There were many of my friends in the DC area who have so many qualities that have blessed me. There was Mike, who had practically ruined our friendship with his anger, but I saw he had been trying to teach me to have more courage. There was Sewnet, who was nearly a perfect embodiment of calm, practical good sense, and service. I even thought of my supervisor at work who I am annoyed with so much, but I see that she has struggled with so much. So many many more.
So, this seemed to be the second teaching: with a full heart, recognizing the beauty and gifts people had given to me. I saw that I could find a kernel of goodness with everyone. And my loving attention was like a sun giving warmth and nourishment to a small sapling. The goodness that was in everyone would expand and take root. Then a magical exchange happens as we exchange appreciation and allow the goodness in each other to take root.
Believe it or not, I even thought about George W. Bush, who I had vilified in my mind over the last 8 years. And yet, I somehow recalled something that I had read in the news, about how he had refused to criticize President Obama, because he simply cared more for the country than he did for politics, and he wanted Obama to succeed. Yes, he might be a politician working on his legacy, but I sensed there was true goodness and integrity, putting country ahead of personal stuff, that I had missed all these years. So yes, even Bush surprised me by teaching me something. And I feel I need to be in a place of healing by recognizing that goodness.
I saw Tara as a being from another star system (or another dimension) who had come hear to serve this planet in it’s hour of need. I also saw that she struggled in many ways to be here, but that she was committed to give what she had in service. And I felt so priveledged to serve her and knowing her, as well as Jonathon.
Most moving of all, I saw that my dear parents who have departed this world and had dedicated their whole lives to me and my brothers. They sacrificed so much out of love, more than I will know. They were simple people who grew up in the south. They did not have many of the insights and understandings or the education that I did. I’m sure there were many times I disappointed them, but they loved me. They served me and my brothers because they just didn’t know how to do anything else. That is who they were. And as their health failed them, and they were lost, I really could not help them and be with them the way a son should, mostly because I was living in a different state. But my brother Tom stepped in and acted like a giant among men and put everything he could into serving them, to giving back. He may never really appreciate the giant he has shown me that he is.
Of course, at many intervals the sounds would bring me back, and I would try to remember to stay present to the power that was flowing with me.
I did have some visions. I remember one where I saw delicate geometries of light that would fold into other worldly architectures.
And then another amazing epiphany. I thought of the science fiction novel that I had planned on writing, but had put off through lack of focus. And almost instantly it seemed that the main character (a young female empath from another world) appeared in the form of an interplanetary emissary, complaining about my lack of dedication to the joint project that we were supposed to be working on. I sensed she was from another dimension and she (or they) were sending me inspiration. (Yes, have a good laugh, George has really lost his mind.) But I was inspired to renew my commitment for this project.
Then Diego would play something else, and I would be back. I saw at one point that I was constantly getting caught up in stories and roles about my identity. These ideas about stories and identity were like countless little bubbles, like the foam of the ocean, always there to obscure the deep crystal ocean underneath. These bubbles would follow me and congeal around me, always seducing me with more stories and mental constructs. But Mother ayuhusasca would be there and ask for me to stay in the body. I would feel the edge in my body where the medicine was playing with me, flowing through me, more sensations.
At some point Diego asked for who would like a second cup. I didn't hesitate to ask for another, even though the medicine was strong with me. I think very few others asked for a second cup. As I went forward, Diego asked if I was feeling anything. I nodded my head, and he proceeded to pour me another cup.
The evening progressed, and I was filled with gratitude for these feelings of warmth. And I started to think of ways I can give back. And by this, I came to think I received a third teaching.
I sensed there was a lot going on in the world right now that we are not so much aware of. The news is focusing on the financial meltdown, the mess, the blame, the fear, and the anger. And as Starbuck would say on a broken down starship, with time running out, "There must be somewhere out of here..." But here it is: Our world is preparing for a leap in consciousness, awareness, and understanding. Somehow it is all coming together. Now, on the cusp of this spring equinox of 2009, I feel that THIS MOMENT is what we have been waiting lifetimes to experience. Things are becoming aligned for takeoff. Now is the moment we must awake to this truth and act, and be vigilant on what we can do.
I saw that none of the problems I face as an individual has any real meaning. The only thing that matters now is to awaken as much as possible to need of true service to our planet. To awaken to the suffering and need of others and heed the call to answer. That is the challenge.
And so I think this was the final teaching. Using the sensations of the body (and breath and sounds) to move into the place of power, then opening the heart to feel the goodness and appreciate others, then service.
At some point Diego closed the ceremony and asked us how we felt. I heard most everyone say they felt wonderful. (Every now and then I would still hear someone purge.) I said aloud ‘thank you Diego.’ And a chorus of thank yous followed.
Slowly everyone settled in, got up to go to a sleeping bag, but I stayed right where I was. The medicine was strong with me (I had had a second cup). Although I had peaked, I was still on the journey, and happily so. I was having more thoughts of wonder, of love, of amazement at Diego’s mastery. It was also strange to be aware of people moving around me in the darkness, while I was essentially still tripping. How do they walk around, I wondered.
And then, maybe an hour or two after the closing of the ceremony, I purged into my plastic bucket. Suddenly, I felt humbled, broken, and brought down to earth. And I felt such compassion for those poor souls who had pretty much purged all night. But soon, I felt cleansed and lightened and thankful again.
I don’t know at what time, but eventually my body said, hey, get back here and set me to lie down. I wasn’t going back to the sleeping bag I had prepared. I wasn’t going anywhere. I just lied down on the rug. I rested but didn’t sleep. I stayed awake the whole night. But it was fine. And somehow, the time moved quickly.
Also, I want to share some things that I viewed as kind of problems with the evening, just to give you the full side of things. First, Diego didn’t really have the quality helpers he needed for people who were having a rough time. I think they were OK, but for some of the people who were purging a lot, I think he needed someone to work with them, encourage them, give them a pat on the shoulder, and encourage them to stay as much as possible with the medicine. That’s the way I had seen it done in Peru. I’m sure that Diego knew this, but of course he is based in Peru and could not fly up his trained helpers.
The other thing, was there was a time when in the very early morning I needed to use the bathroom. I got up, but found the floor shift around me, as if I was on a big boat. (The medicine was still working with me.) People were sleeping (or possibly still tripping) and I tried hard to avoid walking on them or falling on them. The floor seemed to shift in the darkness as I made my way to the bathroom, but finally I reached my destination, only to find the toilet had been backed up with feces. There was no way I was going to sit on that.
Yes, dear reader, I am sorry to share that with you, but after spending so much going on about the glory, I felt compelled to give you the other side of it too. (Obviously, it’s the sort of thing that will not happen a lot, but this is an old house, so there you have it.) Slowly, I made my way to the portable bathroom outside. I peed but could not bring myself to sit down on the plastic toilet seat. Fortunately, I didn’t need to go that bad.
One last thing to bring this down to earth. Our host had a beautiful house filled with countless figurines of angels. The room we did ceremony in had a spotless white rug with white sofas. Well in the morning, there were stains everywhere where people had missed their buckets. And there was a stain on the white sofa, too. Our host, an elderly woman, was magnificent. She merely said she would call the cleaners. I hope they get it all out. That is what I truly call After the Ecstasy, the Laundry.
In the morning, I learned that pretty much everyone considered it a powerful experience. (Perhaps for some, too powerful.) And those that had been to Peru, thought that it had been a completely higher level than what they had experienced before.
And that’s pretty much it. For those who are interested, here is Diego’s website:
http://www.sachavacay.org/
Further note: Well, it's been a few days after the experience, and I'm back to my usual world, wondering how much of what I had learned and experienced will stay with me. I am trying to remember the lessons, but somehow the vibration I had experienced before has dissipated. Of course, that's not unexpected. But a few days later, in the cool March weather, I can still feel a trace of where my heart feels a little more open, and I remember the wonders of that evening. And I hope to have another encounter with Diego again.
Stay tuned.
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