Further Adventures.... in Virginia

On a Friday night in March 2009, I had ceremony in Alexandria Virginia with a curandero called Don Diego. I am not sure where to begin or how to explain the experience. But if you read no further, read this: I believe Diego has a far greater level of mastery than any other curandero I have met so far. He is a dedicated servant of Mother Ayuhuasca.

I didn’t realize this when I began this journey, but there are substantial differences between the skill levels of those who would be your guide. Very, very good, intelligent men will give you your first taste of this plant medicine, and you may well have a good experience. Freddy is a curandero I have not written about, but I had ceremony with him in the fall of 2008. He was good in many ways, but the experience was not near so profound as with Diego. Whether it was his skill or the potency of the brew, I am not sure. I think it is a combination of the two.

I spoke with a number of participants at the ceremony, and those who had been to Peru agreed on this: the experience with Diego surpasses those with the other curanderos we’ve encountered.

When we began the ceremony, Diego said that an encounter with ayuhuasca changes one forever. There is no going back. Based on what I experienced, I’m wondering whether that might be true. Still, at the moment, as I try to integrate the experience into the rest of my life, I cannot help but wonder. Time will tell what happens next.

I’ll try to give you an accounting of the evening, even some of the not so pleasant things, so you’ll have a good picture. A lot of what follows are what I believe to be epiphanies or perhaps messages from the plant's intelligence. You can dismiss these if you like, I'm not trying to convince anyone. Feel free to take them with a grain of salt.

Just one thing to get out the way quickly: pretty much everyone “purged.” Even yours truly who was on an herbal cleanse and figured there was no way I would be retching into a bucket beside me. There were two older gentlemen at the ceremony who were poking their guts out almost the whole time, God bless their souls. I overheard one of them say he would never do anything like that again. I can only hope he reconsiders, because ayuhwasca opens up some truly magical doors.

First a confession: I didn’t begin this journey for healing and personal growth. That is, I wanted those things but they were secondary. What I really wanted was to connect with a shaman so I could understand how the world is interconnected energetically. I have all kinds of cool theories and concepts about this, but I wanted to connect with a shaman to help me make sure I was on the right track. And if I got to see charkas, vortices, and webs of light, well, that would be pretty cool, too.

But the medicine has a power that takes over what you might have thought you wanted.

Well, now to get down to it. Diego began with some simple instruction about focusing on the breathing. Relax and breathe, and listen to the sounds he was creating. I don’t think I was focused much with the sounds in previous sessions, and I think this prevented me from going deeper, so this time I wanted to pay close attention.

Diego gave us all a cup of the tea, which tasted nasty (of course). Each time we took, he would say “God bless you.” Then we would sit back. Pretty soon there would be that familiar feeling of nausea, but I had been on an herbal cleansing for the past two weeks, so I thought I was pretty much not going to purge. (Yeah, right.) It didn’t take long before I felt tingling in my arms, but not so much in the way of visions yet. Then Diego began his singing.

So there we were in the darkness, with Diego using all manners of instruments to give us all kinds of sounds that vibrated through us on our journey. There was the anticipation of whether I was going to get off, and if (and when) what I’d experience. At some point I started to hearing sounds of retching into the buckets. Unfortunately, two men who were especially having a hard time with that were sitting pretty close to me. Fortunately, I had something for back support which allowed me to move away from these poor souls and closer to Diego.

And then the night sort of took over. Sense of time shifted. My thought thought process began to take on a heightened energy. Excitement and tension played through my body, but I would breathe through it, and then come back to Diego’s playing. There there would be rattles, chants, haunting icaro songs with the word ayuhuasca, some bells or chimes, guitar playing, and even songs from other traditions calling for Shanti and Shiva. There were many times when I would be on somewhere in my internal journey, but the sounds would pull me back as I felt the rhythms move through my body. My mind started to get more excited with insights and energy, but somehow Diego seemed to be calling me back with this playing.

Fairly early on, I had an epiphany that I thought was Mother Ayuhasca's core teaching, on that she kept bringing back to me over and over. And it is this: while people often come to ayuhusca in search of visions or glorious spectacles, and they often come, they can be a distraction from the true essence of the work. And what is that? The work is done feeling the sensations of the body and the breath, as a master curandero chants, sings, and plays a wide variety of sounds. Your body is feeling a rich texture of sensations, your mind is racing toward new insights, you are seeing hints of worlds that take your breath away, yet the curandero calls you back with surprising sounds that vibrate through your body. And you open to a power that takes you to amazing, surprising places. And then it hit me: everything I wanted, the answers to every question I had was to be found not by using the mind to construct concepts and worlds and theories and figure things out. The true power place, true mastery comes from following the unfathomable rhythms and sensations in the body.

Imagine a big dark snake moving beneath wet leaves in the woods. You recoil from it, yet, yet you are commanded to stay with that snake, to hold it. You discover instead that it is a huge dark root, pulsing with energy with dirt and bugs crawling all around it. You still recoil, but you stay, and you are somehow drawn into it. And then you discover that what you thought initially was a beast is a mighty root connected with an unfathomable network of roots in the forest, and through it you feel its embrace and are presented with its secrets and wonders.

It’s like the wave and particle from quantum physics. The mind breaks things up into particles. That’s necessary in many ways, but in loosing the wave, we loose the totality that we are connected to. Embracing the body’s sensations through this experience brings you into the wave, and the source of everything.

So I would be having thoughts like this and be amazed, and then I would hear Diego playing and something would call me back to feeling the sensations in my arms, my chest. At some point, my heart expanded more. (And of course more sounds of purging all around me. Some people were chanting ‘beautiful’ but Diego would ask for silence.)

I do think I am learning more about this. I think what has helped me on this journey is: 1) tools from mindfulness that allow us to embrace whatever comes into experience with compassion, 2) focusing and being attentive to the sounds produced by the master curandero, 3) at the same time, be present with the breath, and finally 4) moving and staying with all the rich textures and sensations into the body. With this we move deeper into our body and into the heart, and we feel the depth of our heart’s embrace.

And as my heart continued to expand, I began to think of different people that were important to me in my life. And I felt they were so beautiful, they had given me so many gifts, and often I had taken them for granted. I began to think of many of you and see the beauty and special gifts I had received from you. And this seemed to take on the bulk of much of my experience. I would think of a friend, feel my heart, and see the beauty of this person. And then I progressed to people I didn’t like that much, but saw that they had given me teachings and gifts also.

There was Rhonda, living in Chicago, who I had almost lost touch with, but radiating like an angel. There were many of my friends in the DC area who have so many qualities that have blessed me. There was Mike, who had practically ruined our friendship with his anger, but I saw he had been trying to teach me to have more courage. There was Sewnet, who was nearly a perfect embodiment of calm, practical good sense, and service. I even thought of my supervisor at work who I am annoyed with so much, but I see that she has struggled with so much. So many many more.

So, this seemed to be the second teaching: with a full heart, recognizing the beauty and gifts people had given to me. I saw that I could find a kernel of goodness with everyone. And my loving attention was like a sun giving warmth and nourishment to a small sapling. The goodness that was in everyone would expand and take root. Then a magical exchange happens as we exchange appreciation and allow the goodness in each other to take root.

Believe it or not, I even thought about George W. Bush, who I had vilified in my mind over the last 8 years. And yet, I somehow recalled something that I had read in the news, about how he had refused to criticize President Obama, because he simply cared more for the country than he did for politics, and he wanted Obama to succeed. Yes, he might be a politician working on his legacy, but I sensed there was true goodness and integrity, putting country ahead of personal stuff, that I had missed all these years. So yes, even Bush surprised me by teaching me something. And I feel I need to be in a place of healing by recognizing that goodness.

I saw Tara as a being from another star system (or another dimension) who had come hear to serve this planet in it’s hour of need. I also saw that she struggled in many ways to be here, but that she was committed to give what she had in service. And I felt so priveledged to serve her and knowing her, as well as Jonathon.

Most moving of all, I saw that my dear parents who have departed this world and had dedicated their whole lives to me and my brothers. They sacrificed so much out of love, more than I will know. They were simple people who grew up in the south. They did not have many of the insights and understandings or the education that I did. I’m sure there were many times I disappointed them, but they loved me. They served me and my brothers because they just didn’t know how to do anything else. That is who they were. And as their health failed them, and they were lost, I really could not help them and be with them the way a son should, mostly because I was living in a different state. But my brother Tom stepped in and acted like a giant among men and put everything he could into serving them, to giving back. He may never really appreciate the giant he has shown me that he is.

Of course, at many intervals the sounds would bring me back, and I would try to remember to stay present to the power that was flowing with me.

I did have some visions. I remember one where I saw delicate geometries of light that would fold into other worldly architectures.

And then another amazing epiphany. I thought of the science fiction novel that I had planned on writing, but had put off through lack of focus. And almost instantly it seemed that the main character (a young female empath from another world) appeared in the form of an interplanetary emissary, complaining about my lack of dedication to the joint project that we were supposed to be working on. I sensed she was from another dimension and she (or they) were sending me inspiration. (Yes, have a good laugh, George has really lost his mind.) But I was inspired to renew my commitment for this project.

Then Diego would play something else, and I would be back. I saw at one point that I was constantly getting caught up in stories and roles about my identity. These ideas about stories and identity were like countless little bubbles, like the foam of the ocean, always there to obscure the deep crystal ocean underneath. These bubbles would follow me and congeal around me, always seducing me with more stories and mental constructs. But Mother ayuhusasca would be there and ask for me to stay in the body. I would feel the edge in my body where the medicine was playing with me, flowing through me, more sensations.

At some point Diego asked for who would like a second cup. I didn't hesitate to ask for another, even though the medicine was strong with me. I think very few others asked for a second cup. As I went forward, Diego asked if I was feeling anything. I nodded my head, and he proceeded to pour me another cup.

The evening progressed, and I was filled with gratitude for these feelings of warmth. And I started to think of ways I can give back. And by this, I came to think I received a third teaching.

I sensed there was a lot going on in the world right now that we are not so much aware of. The news is focusing on the financial meltdown, the mess, the blame, the fear, and the anger. And as Starbuck would say on a broken down starship, with time running out, "There must be somewhere out of here..." But here it is: Our world is preparing for a leap in consciousness, awareness, and understanding. Somehow it is all coming together. Now, on the cusp of this spring equinox of 2009, I feel that THIS MOMENT is what we have been waiting lifetimes to experience. Things are becoming aligned for takeoff. Now is the moment we must awake to this truth and act, and be vigilant on what we can do.

I saw that none of the problems I face as an individual has any real meaning. The only thing that matters now is to awaken as much as possible to need of true service to our planet. To awaken to the suffering and need of others and heed the call to answer. That is the challenge.

And so I think this was the final teaching. Using the sensations of the body (and breath and sounds) to move into the place of power, then opening the heart to feel the goodness and appreciate others, then service.

At some point Diego closed the ceremony and asked us how we felt. I heard most everyone say they felt wonderful. (Every now and then I would still hear someone purge.) I said aloud ‘thank you Diego.’ And a chorus of thank yous followed.

Slowly everyone settled in, got up to go to a sleeping bag, but I stayed right where I was. The medicine was strong with me (I had had a second cup). Although I had peaked, I was still on the journey, and happily so. I was having more thoughts of wonder, of love, of amazement at Diego’s mastery. It was also strange to be aware of people moving around me in the darkness, while I was essentially still tripping. How do they walk around, I wondered.

And then, maybe an hour or two after the closing of the ceremony, I purged into my plastic bucket. Suddenly, I felt humbled, broken, and brought down to earth. And I felt such compassion for those poor souls who had pretty much purged all night. But soon, I felt cleansed and lightened and thankful again.

I don’t know at what time, but eventually my body said, hey, get back here and set me to lie down. I wasn’t going back to the sleeping bag I had prepared. I wasn’t going anywhere. I just lied down on the rug. I rested but didn’t sleep. I stayed awake the whole night. But it was fine. And somehow, the time moved quickly.

Also, I want to share some things that I viewed as kind of problems with the evening, just to give you the full side of things. First, Diego didn’t really have the quality helpers he needed for people who were having a rough time. I think they were OK, but for some of the people who were purging a lot, I think he needed someone to work with them, encourage them, give them a pat on the shoulder, and encourage them to stay as much as possible with the medicine. That’s the way I had seen it done in Peru. I’m sure that Diego knew this, but of course he is based in Peru and could not fly up his trained helpers.

The other thing, was there was a time when in the very early morning I needed to use the bathroom. I got up, but found the floor shift around me, as if I was on a big boat. (The medicine was still working with me.) People were sleeping (or possibly still tripping) and I tried hard to avoid walking on them or falling on them. The floor seemed to shift in the darkness as I made my way to the bathroom, but finally I reached my destination, only to find the toilet had been backed up with feces. There was no way I was going to sit on that.

Yes, dear reader, I am sorry to share that with you, but after spending so much going on about the glory, I felt compelled to give you the other side of it too. (Obviously, it’s the sort of thing that will not happen a lot, but this is an old house, so there you have it.) Slowly, I made my way to the portable bathroom outside. I peed but could not bring myself to sit down on the plastic toilet seat. Fortunately, I didn’t need to go that bad.

One last thing to bring this down to earth. Our host had a beautiful house filled with countless figurines of angels. The room we did ceremony in had a spotless white rug with white sofas. Well in the morning, there were stains everywhere where people had missed their buckets. And there was a stain on the white sofa, too. Our host, an elderly woman, was magnificent. She merely said she would call the cleaners. I hope they get it all out. That is what I truly call After the Ecstasy, the Laundry.

In the morning, I learned that pretty much everyone considered it a powerful experience. (Perhaps for some, too powerful.) And those that had been to Peru, thought that it had been a completely higher level than what they had experienced before.

And that’s pretty much it. For those who are interested, here is Diego’s website:
http://www.sachavacay.org/


Further note: Well, it's been a few days after the experience, and I'm back to my usual world, wondering how much of what I had learned and experienced will stay with me. I am trying to remember the lessons, but somehow the vibration I had experienced before has dissipated. Of course, that's not unexpected. But a few days later, in the cool March weather, I can still feel a trace of where my heart feels a little more open, and I remember the wonders of that evening. And I hope to have another encounter with Diego again.

Stay tuned.